Pressure Management, Continued: Comparison Kills

Beyond the direct pressures of life and work, there is another, indirect pressure: comparing yourself with others. How does this programmer view it? For example, a close buddy has gotten married while you are still single; a friend who is clearly less capable than you lands a great offer while you are still struggling to find a job; a classmate who once dared to give up a stable life and a promising salary to pursue an ideal now lives richly and happily, while you chickened out for money—and in the end didn’t make the big money you expected either. You know the saying “comparison kills,” but sometimes you cannot help thinking about it, and it seriously affects your mood.

People are social animals. Unless you retreat to the mountains, you cannot escape an environment of “comparing with others.” Just as the reader who left the comment said, you compare without meaning to.

This programmer is troubled too:

In the company garage, Audis on the left, BMWs on the right, and across the way a cluster of VIP parking spaces for a certain “Fox” company holds all kinds of luxury cars.

A classmate whose name I have already forgotten in the alumni directory stands in fine clothes on Wall Street, while I still look like a loser hanging around Wudaokou.

Among my colleagues are plenty of tall-rich-handsome and fair-rich-beautiful people; in their spare time they drive Audi sports cars and play golf, while this programmer bites his fingers and puzzles over code.

Even a casual scan of WeChat often stings me with a friend’s offhand post of fifty-odd yuan in daily returns from a certain “Bao” wealth product.

My proudest and most beautiful product—Little Bao—can still say only a dozen or so words, and is easily surpassed by the X family’s baby in our compound.

…

Truly, comparison kills; just thinking about it is stressful. Can you avoid comparing? You can. Get far away from the clamor of Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen; find a beautiful small town and open an inn. Whether it makes money doesn’t matter; what you want is an environment free of worldly distractions. But this programmer can’t do it~

What to Compare With Others

Not comparing is impossible. In deliberate and unintentional comparison, what this programmer can do is distinguish which lives are the ones I want (that matter) and which are not. That is all.

When I was pursuing a master’s while working, a teacher invited from Tsinghua gave a wonderful overview of PMBOK. When covering risk management, he told a story from when they were training people for the xx nuclear power plant. He said that nuclear-related work there paid far above the local level. After a while, the young people assigned there had so much money they couldn’t spend it—what did they do? They began comparing status: whose wife was prettier (with high incomes, local girls were more willing to marry them), who was more lavish. Then, for some reason, layoffs began. Many had grown used to not doing proper work and to lives of wine and pleasure. Suddenly without an iron rice bowl, they didn’t know how to continue living. Their social status plummeted: fair-weather friends scattered, wives began demanding divorce, and even the neighbors who had once been so deferential began to despise them.

The teacher, agitated, pounded both fists on the table and said with deep sorrow: “Those who do not plan for the future will soon have worries close at hand.”

(Hearing a teacher like that lecture is truly great.)

Laozi said: “The five colors blind the eye; the five tones deafen the ear; the five flavors dull the palate; racing and hunting madden the heart; rare goods obstruct one’s conduct.” This programmer’s attitude toward material desire has been influenced by the old master; I don’t pursue much—delicacies taste great, but plain tea and simple food are just as savory; I wear a sixty- or seventy-yuan T-shirt every day, and occasionally I can put on Hugo Boss to keep up appearances; if the child hadn’t been born and we didn’t need a bigger car, the little Palio would still be delightful to drive. So material comparisons don’t bother this programmer much, nor do they create pressure.

Birth and appearance are even less worth comparing—family and genes are things you can worry about all you want to no avail. Kai-fu Lee once said: “Use courage to change what can be changed, use openness to accept what cannot be changed, and use wisdom to distinguish the two.” I think that is well said. The only thing I can do is tidy up this flesh and this old face so I look a little more energetic.

I don’t remember which book it was, but it told of a Jew in a Nazi concentration camp who shaved every morning, even if all he could find was a piece of broken glass, so that he would look alert and thus not be broken inside. This programmer likes that spirit very much—I may be worse-looking than Lee Min-ho by a factor of pi, and that cannot be changed, just as that Jew could not avoid being imprisoned in the camp; but no matter what, I will not lose my spirit.

Family and children, needless to say, are even more so. Think of the tens of millions of bachelors in China who cannot find wives—I could laugh awake in my dreams. No matter how depressed or unhappy work is each day, when I get home and hear a clear “Daddy,” it is like the great wind that sweeps over Beijing, blowing away the smog in an instant. As for the child’s development, of course I will compare, but the contest will be over reading ten thousand books and traveling ten thousand miles.

If my code isn’t good enough, I will secretly compete with the masters.

In breadth of experience, I will look to excellent people and try to keep up.

Seeing Mao Li and the Backpackers Over Sixty travel the world, I itch to do the same, just waiting until the child is a little older.

…

So many, many ways I secretly compare myself with others.

But some things I want to compare yet cannot, such as experience. Your experience cannot be copied by me; likewise, my experience cannot be learned by you.

Some things can be brought out for comparison and exchange—short-term and long-term ideals, visions—but once they are set, it is best to hold to them. What belongs to others is always theirs. Don’t compare back and forth and drift with the tide, and accidentally live out your life as Jenny in Forrest Gump.

You may also say, I haven’t yet settled on an ideal or vision—what then? This programmer often thinks: when I am seventy or eighty, my little one sitting in my lap, stroking my white beard, coquettishly saying: “Grandpa, Grandpa, tell me a story about you?”

If it were you, what would you tell? (This may become part of your ideal/vision.)

What to Compare With Yourself

Comparison is always horizontal and vertical. Comparing only with others is not enough; you must also compare with yourself.

This programmer’s two principles for self-comparison:

• Am I happier this year than last year?
• Am I more independent this year than last year?

Happiness is an inner feeling. For example, yesterday I spent 40 minutes on the treadmill and ran 5.69 km, which made me happier than the day before, when I ran 5.3 km in 45 minutes. If this year I lose ten jin of flesh compared with last year, I will be happier; if not, I will be more miserable.

Then independence. Independence is an outward manifestation and can take many forms:

(1) Financial independence: more money means more things I can do, such as traveling the world.

(2) Intellectual independence: more and more questions have my own answers.

(3) Professional independence: no need to depend on others’ favor, no need for nine-to-five; by selling my time and services I can still get by.

(4) …

Many, many forms of independence.

For these two points, whether the time axis is changed to months, weeks, or even days, they still apply.

But no matter how you compare, contentment is best. As Laozi said: “Fame or your person—which is closer? Your person or possessions—which is worth more? Gain or loss—which is the disease? Excessive love must lead to great expense; excessive hoarding must lead to heavy loss. Therefore, knowing contentment avoids disgrace; knowing when to stop avoids danger, and one can endure long.”

Having said all this, how to compare—I believe you have your own answer. When that answer surfaces, pressure slowly sinks, and motivation little by little floats up.